Let it Pour

My mind has been a messy, tired room today with lots coming at me from different angles, and now it's pouring torrential rain outside instead of in.  The chaos of a campfire, the unpredictability of staring at beach waves, the visual calm of watching blankets of windless snow - all in aural form now that the sun's gone down.  I've always loved the rain and we've just begun monsoon season.

My last job back home left me with a similar predicament as here - I have absolutely no feedback, from anyone.  I suppose the second day I was told I need to be louder and control my class.  So now I shout and hit them repeatedly...daily.  Only kidding, I love my students, they're amazing.  I have spoken up though and have come up with a "life" system where if they lose all their lives we keep learning on Friday instead of watching a movie during our free hour.  This week's is The Bee Movie since we're learning plant reproduction (pollination, etc.) and they better not mess this one up!

The absence of feedback has two sides of the coin.  On the one side, you're not being micromanaged and no one is looking over your shoulder constantly, commenting on every little mistake. On the other, you're never told what you're doing is correct.  Some people thrive off of praise.  I wouldn't say I thrive, but a little pat on the back every now and again would encourage me to explore a particular tactic further or at the very least, make me smile.  Also, when you're new, when you don't speak the language, and when you feel as if you may be stepping on toes half the time anyway, nothing said can lead to the insecure notion that maybe you are messing it up royally and everyone is being way too nice about it.  Reprimand me dammit!

When I was in fits, tired as all hell, (my roommate even walked up after class, looked me straight in the eye and said, "geeze Josh, you look tired") and ready to hermit away for a while I saw this when I got home.

My previous boss (yep, the one I've been ripping on a bit) gave me this slip of paper one day.  It wasn't directed at me and was part of a bigger joke, but I needed it that day regardless and knew I'd need it again so it lives on my journal.  Del, if you're reading this, that little note was not the only thing I kept.  One of my mantras is still, "Better to ask for forgiveness than permission."  This was very true at the Colorado State University and is true here too.

My students are learning and laughing, I am having fun, and I need to keep my eyes on the bigger picture when one day of many makes me feel like an ineffective teacher,


I'm still visiting temples, laughing at the clash of cultures and our attempts at communication, drinking beers in Bangkok in the pissing rain, watching Chelsea play the Thai All-Stars, admiring sunsets, and exploring my new home.  Let the white noise fall from the sky and quiet the irrational.

She tried to make us stop taking pictures but she
posed for every one of them

Bangkok skyline behind the stadium.

Mango sticky rice, stir fry spaghetti with unroasted peppercorns, and something on a clam shell.  I can't even count how many times I hear the conversation among my roommates -

"What is that?"

"Uh, not really sure, but I think part of it is...  Want to try some?"

"Yeah, I do."

**Noteworthy Notables**

1)  People who have little learn to live with a lot, and those who have a lot learn to live with little.

2) There's been an ongoing conversation about what we all miss from home.  I really can't come up with much.  I'm American so we don't really have our own food, besides a beef burger which I do miss.  I don't miss my bed, a warm shower, driving on the right side of the road - but what I really do miss is sitting with my friends/family and a cold one and BSing about absolutely nothing.  I must say, that part has made some homesickness settle in.

3) Emma, I really enjoy this photo.  There is so much going on around you and you're off at the bar pounding a Breezer by yourself giving two shits.

Shape not Mold

After moving around Thailand for two weeks in search of work I hit a slump and became a bit stressed.  The beaches and beers, my TEFL course excitement and new TEFL friends, the prospect of teaching - it all felt like it was slipping away.  Playtime was over and it was time to find a job or start looking at plane tickets back to the U.S.  I knew I wasn't going to come home with my tail between my legs, this has been an amazing experience, but I still felt like failure was a looming cloud that may start its downpour soon.  I was staying with Emma in her new house, in her new town, with her new job (damn you Emma :)  )  and a couple who were staying in the same hotel heard we had just finished our TEFL and wanted to ask us some questions so they asked if we would chat with them over a beer on the pier (no I did not mean to Dr. Seuss the hell out of that invitation).

They looked through our notes and folios with fervor, they talked of places they'd been that day and showed us pictures and videos, and they still had that spark of a dorky tourist.  I had to take a step back and remind myself why I was here in the first place.

The next day I decided to put down the laptop and the job apps and go for a long walk and start taking more photos again.  It was the middle of the day and I'm sure it was well over 100° with the heat index (38°C for all my friends with more universal units), so really I went for a sweat, not a walk.

Notice the rear pagoda is broken

I stumbled upon a temple that was off the road, that was off a dirt road, and behind a school.  As I could hear the laughter from the classes I walked around what seemed to be a temple that had seen its glory days pass.  The grounds hadn't been swept, some windows were boarded up, and there were only a few monks wandering around.  The more I walked and sat on the steps and took photos I realized this place was still thriving.  It wasn't abandoned, it was simply changing.  The monks were still laughing while they worked and waved to me as I passed them.  There was a huge pond full of turtles and koi fish (giant koi fish!).  The chickens were loud and a huge rooster wasn't too pleased about my appearance.

I met a woman who spoke little English, but she loved speaking with me.  She was selling food that you could throw to the koi and watch them swarm and flop around.  She had such a good energy and even though she most likely worked here every day she

wanted to look through my photos I had taken of the temple.  She saw my drenched shirt and faint eyes and told me to wait for the middle of the day to pass, "Maybe you walk again to home at... ummm, 4 o'clock."  It was 1:30.  I thanked her for the company and our chat and began the long walk home from Wat Wang Hin.  On the walk I thought of how the holy grounds set out to be a temple so long ago and probably didn't ever think they would have to close up some doors and nail some windows shut.  The fallen pagodas can't go back to how they were but the monks are still happy, the turtles are still sun bathing, and the others still working in the temple area are friendly as can be.  It wasn't a broken temple in disrepair at all, it was simply different from the long ago blueprint.






Conor, I am stealing your idea of the noteworthy notables.  Sorry man, but it was a good one.

**Noteworthy notables**

1) It's hot, it's real damn hot.  I used to think I should quit complaining and tough it out sometimes.  Nope, I need to carry more water and seek shade often.  Overheating is the pits.

2) You get some weird looks sometimes, ... most the time.  But for the first time I feel it isn't because of my disability, it's because I'm freakin' white!  ha

3) More than half the time I have no idea what I'm eating, however, I can order a good five or six meals in Thai now and am beginning to order ingredients too.

4) I now have so more respect for my teachers.

5) Take a shape, not a mold.