To start, if you're bummed out about the world right now, this post probably isn't for you. But I haven't written in forever and as I've said before in very selfish words, me writing is often an act of catharsis and not always for you. Sorry to be an ass - I'll write for you someday.
There's a scene in Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy where Zooey Deschanel's character (Trillian) meets Arthur Dent and they become flirtatious and close quickly. (I've also read the book but as far as movie adaptations go, this one is quite good.) Anyway, Trillian asks Arthur to leave the party - "Let's go somewhere." Arthur asks where and she says, "Madagascar..." He thinks she's joking at first, but after realizing she is serious he is blown away that is even an option in her mind, breaks eye contact, and shakes his head.
On a random day, seemingly unrelated to what Marisa and I were currently chatting about, she comments to me, "Do you always like new and interesting things?" I gave her the same baffled shake of the head and said, "...of course, don't you?" The fact she had asked that question meant I already had my answer.
This was not the moment, nor was it any particular disagreement or quarrel. And Marisa, if you are reading this I want you to know that you're a lovely individual and you will stay with me for a long time in so many positive ways.
But there's a time where you know. On some level you know that you won't make each other happy in the ways that you should. This is the moment. If anyone asked me how I knew, or what it came down to (most likely because people think that perhaps I'd stumbled on to some crucial life advice, or maybe because people just want a reason) I would have no idea what to say. For just the same reasons that no one has anything to say when people ask, "how did you know she was the one?"
I've broken an engagement and I still haven't fully processed what that means, but I'm getting closer. Being stuck at home and not being allowed to return to Thailand has really made me come to terms with a lot of this. I am sad I can't return to my new home when I had initially planned, but not because I miss someone in the way I once did. If I get stuck back in the U.S. indefinitely I would be torn for other reasons that maybe aren't her. And lastly, if I was to never return to Thailand (which I will damnit!) that is ... ok, now.
I gave a promise, I took a promise away, and that is a horrible, albeit necessary, thing. But now I'm in a place where I know that I've walked away and I can't walk back. It's time to walk alone for a while and build myself and grow again.
Notables
1) I've got so much more to write and maybe some of it will be for you soon. I have wanted to start a novel for some time and well, I've got time at the moment.
2) I have experienced many positive things since the break that have really stuck with me as well, here's a quick list:
- My amazing brother Derek being near me through all of this. He's also having visa issues and we've been together a lot lately. He has been such a blessing. I've loaded his plate with multiple trips to Bangkok, packing my place up, EMOTIONS, verbal vomits, ... oh dear the list could go on. Thank you so much Derek. You have no idea.
- I'll once again talk about how resilient Thai people that I come across can be, even if I've never met them. Here's a fairly insignificant one that comes to mind. I needed to change where I got off the bus when getting close to Bangkok because I booked a hotel on the way; it was near the airport and not in the city. Somehow I communicated all of this in Thai to the bus assistant, then she just said I should tell the driver. Ha. So I did it again! Later when exiting the bus, he went out of his way to make sure I got my bags ok, boarded a good taxi that would charge me a good price, and he wished me a very respectful good luck. (In Thai when people use more respectful words it's noted and appreciated, and I definitely did! He didn't have to since I am younger than him.) Thank you random stranger.
- I am going to finally get back in shape with all this extra time I have staying at home. It's time to not be so damned unfit and slightly beer-chubby.
3) I know this is not necessary, but I apologize to all of you around me to whom I have been slightly off for who knows how long. And to all of those that have lent an ear when I just needed to let it all out, I appreciate you.
I'll be back Thailand, and I'm going to come back the best teacher that I've ever been. Big hugs and love to all of you, here and abroad.
