Goodbye

About a month before the end of school one of my best friends I've made in Thailand told me, "ya know, you really need to mentally prepare yourself for that week after school gets finished."  Reason one of many why we're such good buds.  She was right, and I tried, but saying goodbye never really gets any easier.  I can't train for it like a race and any life experience I do have doesn't matter because each new one is different.  I wasn't prepared for that week and then it didn't come until more than a week later since my family was here.  I was distracted having an absolute blast showing them around the places I love.  So in the course of a little more than two weeks I said goodbye to my students, I said goodbye to some friends and an awesome roommate, and then I said goodbye to my family.  In the next two weeks I'll say goodbye to more roommates when some of us reunite in Northern Thailand.  We'll be in Chiang Mai for the Thai New Year (SongKran) which is also the world's biggest water fight.  It spans nations in South East Asia and I am stoked, but it too will mark a close to things.  Sometimes I say goodbye for a while, sometimes for longer, sometimes I say goodbye for good because I should, and sometimes I say goodbye forever and don't know it.  None are easy, but they're facts of life and like anything else I move forward.

Enough of this being a downer post.  Layne and I back home during a happy hour pint would need a vent session but you can't only bitch.  We would spend the first 20 minutes or pint, whichever came first, spewing our minds and griping and then laughs would ensue.  I've booked a flight to Vietnam and leave in six days.  Time to get back out there and see some things.  I arrived in my TEFL course alone, I traveled around seeking a job alone, and I am excited to bum around Thailand on my own again.  There's freedom in it.  A lot of the time when I go to the markets the vendors ask me, "Khun dee ow, mai?"  (Are you alone?)  And I respond, "Pom dee ow, mi kwam suk, mai bpen rai kawp"  (I'm alone, but I am happy.  Don't worry)

**Noteables**

1) The most stressful time of the year for me is writing and giving the term tests.  I want the kids to do so well and I push them harder to learn and scold them and myself when we don't make the progress I feel we should be making.  One day at the peak of it I sat and wrote this.  It has stayed on a desktop sticky note ever since.  I run because it is my metaphor.
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You are proficient at what you train for.  You train for sprints - your body, and mostly your mind, is going to have a tough time switching back to the other.  A distance run seemed daunting the other night and then you flew.

You start letting all of this stress and deadlines get to you, you yourself are going to begin producing stress and angst.  Yes, there are tests and term tests coming.  But the students are calm as they always are.  Watch them laugh, smile, and play.  Feed off of that.  Don't continue to proliferate the angst.  It will make you a worse teacher and breed less efficient learners.

Have fun and finish strong, just like your sprints.
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I wrote if after I saw my student, Sun, playing badminton after a particularly bad lesson.  She had a smile on her face and spread that cheer my way.  She is indeed a bright light.  When it is her turn for hangman her words are always, "Hope" and "Love" and "Excited"




2) A few friends in the last month or so have said small things that have really stuck with me and made me feel wanted and worthy.  I thought about posting them here but that would've cheated the point I want to make.  It's the littlest things that can make the biggest difference.  One little sentence or one little gesture really makes my day sometimes.  Thank you.

3) On the last day of school I had to grade term tests, submit grades, go pack a bag for Bangkok, hop a bus, and go find my family in the airport.  My students finished with stellar marks and I am so proud of them.  Now on to the airport.
Derek: You're at the airport?
Me:  yeah, where are you?
Derek :  Door 9
Me:  How are you messaging me?  NM.
Me:  There is no door 9.

Welcome to Thailand's confusion my family.  That was in the first 15 minutes!  However, being a tour guide is tough.  This has given me so much insight as to when I go visit friends.  Thank you friends!

And now to get the rest of my family and friends out here.  I'll see you soon, chai mai? (right?)

Trains, planes, and automobiles here I come.  See you all later.

SOS

.  .  .  -  -  -  .  .  .

Here I am writing about new found happiness (by the way, Ha-penis = happiness) when my best friend in the world is going through some pretty rough times.  It's been on my mind but it's made me feel like a fool that I haven't done more about it.  Sorry buddy.  One of the definite downfalls of being so far from home is that you can't be there like you should for the ones you love.  

The year before I left for Thailand was a fairly dark time for me.  Between a head injury that took about two week's memory from me, a break up, feeling stuck in life, etc. - I had a friend tell me that it was maybe time I sought some help.  I found a therapist and began attending regularly.  It was such a help to talk to someone you don't know at all.  Even if they didn't speak, the unbiased nature of their company was comforting.  I only tell this in hopes that someone may seek the same if they're sitting on the fence.  It was hands down the best thing I've done for myself.

You, yes you, please be proactive and take care of yourself first and foremost.  However, this is a two-way street.  The holidays are coming to a close and this is never a relaxed time for any of us, as much as we want it to be.  I've seen many posts in my feed alluding to this recently.  If you see someone you think may be hurting a bit, don't ask them what's wrong or how you can help.  Sorry, but there's a 90% chance that won't do much for them even if your heart is in the right place.  Instead go for a cup of coffee and simply listen.  Even if they don't talk about a single thing that's bothering them your company and the fact you cared and made time for them is a better gift than any you wrapped this year.

You're on my mind friend, and in my thoughts and prayers.  And even if prayer doesn't mean much to you, like Phil said - you put good will out there and somehow it gets where it's supposed to go.  It will get there. (paraphrased of course, you can't duplicate wisdom that real.)

Please My Friends  .   Extend Yourself Beyond  -   Your Own Means .

Ha ha-penis

Upon the suggestion from a friend over lunch I decided to give myself until Christmas to decide what was next.  Christmas comes a bit early this year.  The options were to continue teaching here in Chanthaburi, move around Thailand a bit, teach in another country, or go home.

I'm happy here.  I'm happy and I am learning so much and I think that's the objective.  In the grand scheme of things my existence will be short.  All that bullshit I stressed about in the office, nope, didn't matter.  In thirty years I won't look back on the moments of stress or insecurity, I'll look back on the sunshine and the smiles.  So why not be happy, and if you are happy, keep it up.  Right now it's as simple as that.  As much as I am smiling genuinely and laughing from the belly lately, this decision wasn't difficult.  I will be in Chanthaburi for another school year.

I made my decision about a month ago but it was on my way home from Koh Chang and I thought that maybe a ferry ride home from an epic weekend, while mentally riding on the coat-tails of utopia, wasn't the best time to make that choice.  Of course I wanted to stay!  By no means is life over here Camelot.  I've been mildly sick for four weeks now.  I work 50+ hour weeks in a somewhat stressful, fast-paced environment.  My Thai is still extremely basic and that can lead to a lot of confusing situations.  But damn is it fun.  What's a sore throat when you've stayed on island number four last weekend?  A 50 hour week doesn't feel like 'fifty' sounds when you've got twenty-three tiny friends greeting you at the beginning and end of every day.  And I am learning new Thai words everyday.  Yes, I'm homesick around the holidays and I definitely have my highs and lows, but the lows feel different than they used to.  It's not a sense of despair or depression.  Instead it feels like the natural swing of things and probably looks more like a natural sine curve than a shifted ... oh damn, I let the math nerd out to roam a bit too far.

Moral of the story, I will be here for another year.  So all of you telling me you're coming to visit next year, you can book your tickets now and I'll see you soon.

**Notables**

1) Here's a few from the Koh Chang weekend.  This crew right here is why I named it epic.  These folks are a blast and have made it feel like home when you're far away from family during the holidays.  Sorry, couldn't get the red eyes out.

We went on a very half-planned hike.  We couldn't find the trail most of the time, we didn't go very far, but we did find a calm, cool river.  On our way back we stumbled into a field of elephants.  Slightly unnerving but incredible.  They couldn't have cared less.

2)  A quality I really admire about the Thai people is how they simply do.  There was an important national holiday recently and on our way to school I see a group of people with an old picnic table top, a blue cloth, some gold ribbon, a staple gun, etc.  Some supplies obviously pulled together from whatever they could find among their homes.  Back home, if you were to make something for a religious holiday, or any day of importance really, you would try and do it the best and make it great and if you can't do the project with proper supplies you wait until you can.  A lot of the time here I see people making due with what they have and it's really inspiring.  We drove by the same site after school and they had made an impressive tribute to their holiday.

3) Island number four had fire limbo.  These are from Erin's birthday.  Unfortunately we didn't get photos from the actual limbo but they give you a shot afterward.  Look at how happy she is!  I'm headed back to Koh Samet for New Year's and I'm limbering up.

Home

I decided to head back to the U.S. for a portion of my three week teaching break.  I knew going back was going to be strange and it most definitely was, initially.  In the beginning there was some reverse culture shock: everything moved at a different pace, y'all drive on the right side of the road, and everything was louder.  I remember a conversation with a friend about if it was louder because I could actually understand the ambient noise and eavesdrop a bit instead of simply tuning out conversations or if it was indeed louder, who knows.

After that all settled down and I stopped pooping, yep that happened, I was quickly shown why I came home back.  One evening I looked around the room and saw long time friends that drove multiple hours to just come have a beer and a burger and shoot the shit.  Seriously though, one party drove three hours, multiple other parties drove at least an hour, and my brother flew from California to Colorado.  It wasn't only that night though.  Over the week or so I was home back I saw college friends, Fort Collins friends, beer brewing buddies, some friends I've known since grade school, and even a good friend I roomed with in Thailand.  The group of people I call family and friends have always made me feeling incredibly blessed.  I always consider myself to have a large family because my friends are family to me.  Being back in Thailand now and preparing to teach tomorrow I have my batteries recharged and my confidence renewed and it is because of all of you.  Thank you.

There was 8 pictures taken here but this was my favorite, it tells the story of all us fools.  You can hear Keefe, WTF?

It wasn't home though.  I'm back home now.  "Home is where the heart is," "Home is where you lay your head," no, home is where you feel most comfortable.  I feel at home in Chanthaburi because I let go more.  I feel free and as if I control more of my own decisions.  The anonymity of being a wandering traveler lets me feel as if my petty actions and my mistakes don't matter as much.  People write you off as a foreigner who hasn't figured it out yet if you do something atypical or abnormal, and I like that.  I need to work on transferring that notion of don't sweat the small stuff to a 24:7 mentality if I ever have a chance of making the U.S. my home again.  However, now I know it's more of a when than an if because my family is overseas and I miss you all.  Again, thank you.

**The Notables**

1) Through the course of some odd time changes during the flights and jet lag I saw the sun come up six times over break.  An absolutely stunning feeling.  Here's a pretty terrible photo of it from the JFK airport.

2) I was fairly lost in Bangkok after a night's rest before I continued home.  I stopped, took a deep breath, and reveled in that feeling.  There is something oddly familiar now about being lost and confused.  That sense of adventure and discovery was fresh again and it was good to be out of my element.  

3) On my last day I was fairly bummed I never made it up to the mountains.  One of my favorite things to do is hike up in the wilderness and I didn't do it once!  Then my little sister came through in the clutch and took me for a good hike.  Thank you so much Bean, you are awesome.

4) It was such an impromptu trip and it went by so fast.  I planned poorly and things came together haphazardly.  I apologize to those I didn't get to visit with and those I didn't spend enough time with.  I will be back in eight months for a two crazy weirdos' wedding and will see you soon.  Who gets married these days?!  Better yet, what dumbass would marry these two?   : )

Success

At my Step-Dad's retirement party a few years back I remember one of his friends, Dave, approaching me and telling me how he heard I'd become quite successful.  "Really?!" I asked him.  He told me how I was working at a university, in a steady job, which probably meant I had a nice steady pay check as well.  Dave was right about those things, and I have occupied a few jobs now that I've enjoyed but I can't say I've ever defined myself as successful.  The other day on a bus to Bangkok I asked myself, what does it mean to be successful?

Working at Startek, a call center where angry people in New York called me about their cable, my call times were low and resolution of problems was high.  Working at a public library I designed programs for adult learning, researched topics for patrons, and supervised a staff of nine.  I had an unforgettable time in all the positions I held there.  During my time at the Colorado State University I applied for and managed a grant worth a little over a million dollars (I still think you all are crazy for putting me in charge of that much money.  Have we met?).  Still, I was successful in aspects, but I was not successful.

Is it standing behind a lectern using eloquent speech and having some letters after your last name?  Is it a corner office, a pressed suit, yet still a brown bottle in your desk?  Is it white sandy beaches on your vacation from a cubicle you despise?  My first example of someone with more education, the answer - for some, yes.  And that's what it boils down to, finding yours.  "Working hard" sounds so cumbersome, maybe a passionate diligence is a better idea.  If you're doing something you enjoy, but don't love maybe it's time for a change.  I was content for so long but not truly happy.

One time my brother was telling me about his 12-hour shift in a sushi joint he worked for.  He said he cut up over 200 pounds of fish that night.  I was astounded and asked how he did it.  Derek smiled out of the corner of his mouth and replied, "labor of love I suppose."  Not sure if he was being a smart ass or not but I still like the idea of finding something that you love and pursuing it because it's a passion.  I'm not saying I've finally found a career path but there's a decent chance if/when I come home I will be a teacher State-side too.

**The Notables**

1) My friend, Dave, recently bought a flying squirrel and he leaves the cage open at night so the little guy can run around.  I've seen him a few times; it is pretty neat when he runs around the room and jumps from high places.  He hides from me a lot though and likes small, dark spaces.  I guess Dave woke up one morning and couldn't find the little dude.  He peered around the room and still no sign.  He was about to get up when he thought about one more spot he could be.  Yep, small dark spaces.  He ends his story with, "at least I had big boxers on, but I still had to be careful.  When he gets scared he nips."

2) All of the students have a great respect for the main Thai teacher in my class.  One time she bought them all fried bananas, one of my favorite snacks, after a lesson she gave.  The lesson was immaculate and they were all smiling during their well-deserved break.  I turned to her and said,"Krue Mon, you are a great teacher."  She replied with, "Teacher, you are good teacher too."  I have a great respect for her as well and will never forget that compliment.
(Krue = teacher)

3) While in a club on Koh Chang (koh=island, chang=elephant), my friend Matt stops me with a story.  It is pumping in there so he's basically screaming into my ear about how a man told him he looked stressed and to go to the corner of the room, close his eyes, and dance for one minute without stopping.  "It will work," he says.  "You feel changed."  Matt steps back, the music roars again and I stare at him.  I mouth to him, "And?"  He yells at me, "It did!"






4) During our trip to Chiang Mai our class went on a historical tour around some ancient temple areas.  Absolutely incredible.  During one of our stops my roommate was lighting some incense for his dog that had died.  (still feeling for you Darcy)  When out of earshot, I asked my friend Phil what
the perception was of us, who are obviously not Buddhist, partaking in some of the rituals.  He said, "Mate, fuck religion.  Put something good out there and it will get there."  I like his idea - no matter your subscribed belief, if you put some good into this world, whether it's in your thoughts or your actions, it will get there.

I told Phil my student's father had just passed away.  He has been a teacher in Thailand longer than I have so I asked for some advice on how to help her.  He just said, "...be there.  Just be there and be nice and answer questions for them like you always do."  It was great, simple advice.  Her mother passed last year and now she is moving to live elsewhere.  I am sorry for her Dad, but I am also bummed she won't be at this school again next year.  Phil went on to explain how teachers here are almost a part of the family.  It's been an interesting and wonderful dynamic to watch.  The Thai teacher does look after them as if she was a second mother.  I'm on a bit of a different plane being the foreign teacher but I've developed some great bonds with my 24 as well.  By far, is my class the best class.  : )

The Notables

It should be noted that I spell notables wrong every time I type it, ... and I teach English for a living.

I have been feeling that writing itch for a bit now but don't really have anything pressing.  Nothing pulling me to and fro, nothing racking my brain and causing the need for mental vomit.  I am remembering my first lesson back in the TEFL course with Matt; both of us were thinking, "Oh God, she gave us two hours since we're teaming up tomorrow.  What the hell are we going to do for two hours?!"  Now, occasionally my co-teacher will walk up and say, "teacher, you teach now instead of 2:00 o'clock."  Meh, looks like I'm winging this one.  By no means am I content, I still see so much room for improvement in my lessons.  However, I don't stress about it now, I only let it motivate.  So today, you only get the notables.

**The Notables**

1)  On my first day, Danny, the temporary fill-in for my class, gave me the basic rundown for everything - how he runs his teaching hours, how he plans, where the bathrooms are, etc.  He showed me alternate bathrooms down the hall since the main staff bathroom has gaps in the wall to help air it out.  He said to use the one down the hall if it is between hours because some of the ornery kids will sometimes peer through the wall in this one.  The other day I leave the staff bathroom at 2:35PM, perfect time, and the janitor lady comes around the corner while I'm putting my shoes back away and says, "teacher, I see you in the bathroom,"  I looked her straight in the eye and replied, "that's weird, but thank you."

2)  I am getting pretty connected to these little rug-rats in the short seven weeks I have taught them.  When I see one of them hurt or crying I get an odd little sensation - empathy maybe?  I don't know.

I try and bring a little treat on Fridays and if they can answer a question with a well-structured English sentence they get a piece of candy.  After a few right answers one of the kids yells, "teacher, Chokun!"  I look over at Chokun and he's bleeding from his face!  I'm pretty sure I either said or mouthed fuck at some point but no one seemed the wiser.  That day was one of the few times I'd been left alone with the children so far and I'm freaking out thinking it will be the last (and I probably killed this kid somehow).  We get him and his handful of blood to the sink, rinse a bit, and he reaches in and pulls out a tooth.  That's where I had to stifle some choice words for sure.  I mean, damn kid, way to get it done.  The Thai teacher comes back later and I attempt to tell her what happened thinking she needs to know.  She takes her phone out, plays around for a bit and shows me Google Translate with "milk tooth" in the output.  I sigh and say, "ok, good."  She looks at the rest of the students, chuckles and says, "Heh, teacher like milk tooth."

3)  I drink aloe vera juice and eat food that is way too spicy.

4)  I sat in a Buddhist temple for a long time on Sunday.  It was an incredibly beautiful and peaceful experience.  I began to close my eyes and let my mind drift when I heard someone else come in.  He didn't see me since I was in the back.  He meditated for a while and then lied down and quickly began to snore.  A couple from France came in shortly after with a monk to receive a blessing.  During the blessing ritual the dozing man awoke and looked very shocked.  His face was priceless.  Not only were there four more people in his temple area he thought he had to himself, three of them were pharang!  (pharang is a word that when I hear it on the street I know someone is talking about me/us.  It either means foreigner or white dude).  The man starts to shuffle and gather his things and the monk put his hand up in a stop-like motion and placed his palm back toward the ground slowly.  The sleepy man took note of the action and went back to sleep.  Oh Thailand, I love you.

5)  I promised a couple of elderly ladies that I would never go anywhere else to get my shirts tailored after they messed one of them up.  It didn't fit any more and they knew it so they said, "you always come here from now on and we know how to do you."  Heh.   Seriously though, they come out perfect now and to boot they refuse to charge me because of the one mistake.  Well, I bring them cake now because they won't take my Baht.  The Thai love their sweets and these two ladies' generosity is going to mean cavities.

6)  This is a baggie filled with coffee, wrapped in newspaper, placed in another sack.

I'll have to get a better picture soon because this stuff still cracks me up.  Danny said it best, "you own a shop, you give people stuff, eh - put it in a bag."  It's so true, everything comes in a plastic sack with handles.  I always joke when I'm hungover that I'll just go get a bag of coke and that should fix me right up.


Thanks for all the love and support from back home.  Always means a lot.  Cheers to all of you, you are missed.

Carry the One

I had some pretty bad days when I first began my teaching position here in Chanthaburi.  They were usually near the beginning of the week so I assumed it was a cross-cultural, Monday Blues, type of thing.  I was so nervous and wanted to do well in my new role but constantly felt like I must be messing it up.  Not knowing the idiosyncrasies of a new culture and knowing I was making routine mistakes in that way bled into me feeling I must be making errors on a professional level as well.  I've mentioned this before but I receive zero feedback so it was hard to take any kudos from that aspect or know where I was excelling.  ... but I get zero negative feedback as well, and that's where I had to do the math.  (The more I travel, the more this crazy piece of manila card stock comes in handy).

On bad days when my self esteem had taken some blows I still had no feedback, so therefore the blows were dealt by me.  I would assume that some inflection of voice, in a language I don't know how to speak mind you, meant they were too nice to say it but Teacher Josh didn't control his class so well in the last lesson.  If I didn't get a "Goodbye Teacher" from my students or my teaching assistant, I took that as a sign of someone not necessarily enjoying my placement at the school.  Sometimes you can't put the assumptions into words but let's say I made similar miscues and perhaps I was right, mmm, let's say one out of five times.  This means I treated myself five times as poorly as anyone else did.  And say during a particular bad day I assume twice as often; this means I am ten times more self-defeating on the inside than anyone on the outside.  On turbulent days you've got to carry the one that needs it most.  The math just isn't there and even if I'm not going to be one of those people that looks up some motivational quotes and tells myself to get back on track, I'm going to stop aiming the pistol down at my peds.

About two weeks ago I began to assume the best.  If I don't get any feedback that is because I am a damn great teacher.  It feels like I'm often being a bit too overconfident and self appreciative but it sure as hell beats the alternative.  I've noticed a change in the students, the teachers, and my demeanor in front of my class and I'm riding this out as long as I can.






**Noteworthy Notables**

- I ride on the back of a motor bike everyday to and from school.  One, thanks for always driving Darcy.  Two, I'm sorry that every time I've felt something similar between my legs (insert any and all jokes here please) it's been a jet-ski and some asshole has been trying to throw me off the back.  I am a whole lot more comfortable back there now but I spooned you so much in the beginning we should name our ride The Silverware Drawer.

- We've been told that the majority of police speak very little English so your chances of getting stopped are slim.  However, on our way back into town from Cambodia we were stuck in traffic and some guy drove by on his bike and handed a traffic officer a box of Oreos.  The man in uniform screamed, "Thank you!" with great pronunciation and our teacher driving us exclaimed, "You're welcome!" randomly and started laughing.  The whole car roared and that scene was something you can't make up.

- I went to an island a week or two ago for my roommate's birthday.  This is my favorite picture I took.

And this is the girls invited behind the bar.  They even tried to take a few orders which was hilarious to watch, but really they simply lit the bar on fire every time they got bored.