Feeling Like a Teacher

This will be the third calendar year that I write here.  I wrote nine times in 2015, three times in 2016, and this will be only the second of the current year.  I have got to get better about this.  So let's do a quick update.  I unfortunately have to keep this brief; my house is hosting a trivia / pub-quiz night.  It's Friday night, there's beers to be drank and knowledge to be spewed.  (Keefe, I'd like to add that "Tiny Dancer" is blaring in the background as you advised buddy)

Today I finish teaching my fourth week at a new school, Stree Manda Pitak.  It is a Catholic School and has been around for a while.  I know this because the lady that served me soup today told me how her father taught there for most of his life and then she taught there for 41 years of her life; yeah, my Thai is getting a bit better.  I kind of chuckled when I sat down and initially saw her soup stand is only open for five hours a day, now I know she's retired and just makes soup for fun.  She probably opens when she wants, cooks when she wants, and smiles often.

The school is home to more than 3,000 learners all the way from kindergarten to senior year of high school (Matayom 6 or M6).  Initially my schedule included seven different classes, spanning from M2-M6 (grades 8-12).  This week it has been changed, I now have eight classes, the same levels plus two P5 (Prathom 5 = 5th grade) classes where I will teach math.  I am so stoked about this.  For about forty minutes today we talked about big numbers and number places (tens place. hundreds place, etc).  That may sound boring to you, but it was awesome!  I love the little ones.  They are so much fun and it is great to listen to their little laughs again.  Ok, enough stats.

I've only taught for two years and only at the prathom level.  Now I am mainly in charge of high school, which was really intimidating at first.  It is actually really great.  They are really fun, you just have to keep their minds working otherwise they go to sleep.  Seriously, I wake up students all the time.  I have a two hour block named "Science Experiment" and I've been given no textbook or guidance.  So far we have dropped stuff off a balcony and used the position equation to calculate height and tried to modify our reaction times with slow and fast music.  The music one was to introduce the idea of a control group in a science experiment.  In Reading and Writing we are attempting to pinpoint what is "beauty" and what should be the extent that an individual goes to attain it.  Their opinion papers have been fun to grade.  Thailand has some interesting ways of viewing beauty but these kiddos have some fairly progressive views.

I still say kiddos because in my "Project" class where I've also been given zero direction, we read Where the Wild Things Are and watched the movie afterward.  I was going to have them write a comparison-contrast paper until I was told not to teach so much and not to give work in that class.  Oh new school, you a little nuts sometimes.  In the ending scene when Max sails away from the island I noticed the girl sitting in front of me was wiping her eyes.  Then I look up and half the girls, and a couple boys pretending some dust got in their eyes, were weeping as well.  They're still very much kids with some very innocent hearts.  That class in particular is sweet as can be and absolutely brilliant.

I could go on and on, but it's almost trivia time.  So some notables --  (hey, I bloody spelled it right this time)

**Notables**
In the first week of school my homeroom students found a kitten in the ceiling and a snake on a shelf outside the room.  Not sure which egg or chicken came first, however, they were attempting to get it off the shelf when I was lesson planning and I see something fly by the class window.  I get up to take a look and watch a man use a stick to bash the head of the snake many times..... at a Catholic school mind you.

I've taught 7 classes, plus the two P5s, plus 4 more for extra classes for which I rotate around M2 and M3.  I am only one man, they are many.  Everyone knows my name ...I am doing my best.  Regardless, everyday I arrive at work I have hundreds of bright faces saying, "good morning Mr. Josh" or "Good morning teacher!"  It is the best start to a day and makes me smile ear to ear.

Yesterday was the Wai Kru (honor/respect teacher) ceremony.  I've done this two years before but this was different.  3,000 students bowing before you.  Sounds a little odd?  Well it is, until you think about how Thai people show respect.  One way to do it is simply lowering your body.  So all of them bowing wasn't necessarily them addressing me as if I was a deity, it was just a nice way to say thank you.  Also, when the new teachers were introduced I had to stand up.  The gifts they present you are flowers and such.  -->

I didn't realize mine was full of water when they gave it to me and I spilled a bit.  So when I stood up it sorta looked like I wet myself.  Meh, I was wearing black.  I don't think anyone noticed. The roar of applause that just kept building as I stood was damn near enough to bring me to tears too.  A truly humbling moment.

I've got more to write for sure.  But it's time to go see if I've got any knowledge fuel left in the tank this week.  Cheers friends.

Losing the Lore

I have been with the same group of kids for two years now and at the end of this school year, mid-March, they make the transition from Prathom to Mathayom - essentially what I would call elementary to junior high school.  It is going to be hard to say goodbye regardless, however this odd transition in life for them will make it slightly different than if I were simply saying goodbye as their teacher from a different learning year.  During the two years I've seen them grow in all sorts of different motivating ways that make a teacher proud but I've also watched them lose a bit of 'being a kid.'  I remember the day they asked if we could stop watching as many animated movies during our "Club Hour" and now we watch almost none together.  They are assigned massive amounts of homework and when I ask them what they've been doing all weekend they say, "homework Teacher, what do you mean?"  They've begun to form small clicks in their friend groups; not nearly to the extent that will happen next year but I know that's all too soon.  I make it sound all dismal but some of their little morphs are great.  Their humor is so mature to the point of their teacher blushing a few times.

Porsche: "Hey Teacher have you ever been to pen island?"
Me: "What?  No, where is that?"
Porsche:  "How 'bout penis land?"
Touché young padawan.
(I am well aware that joke was painfully obvious in written form)

As a kid you stop believing in fairies, dragons, and heroes that save the day.  As an adult I find myself relating in analogous ways losing faith in things you had thought you would have found by now.   There's no white picket fence and the princess I was going to save from that dragon and I are walking a tough road.  Getting married to your one and only was a fairy tale as it turns out and the term "head over heels" is just about as stupid as it sounds.  That would hurt dammit.

Last week we were watching the new Pete's Dragon, however, and my twenty three little boogers were really digging it.  I put down my tests I was marking and decided to give the ending my full attention.  Their Ooos and Aaahs were just too difficult to ignore for much longer.  The scene where there are hundreds of dragons all flying together over the canyon made my whole class gasp, Ooo one more time, then clap and cheer.  They haven't lost the lore, I pray they never will, and I'm trying my best to do the same right now.

**Notables**
1)  I haven't written in too long and have so much more to tell, but I have been trying write this for a while now.   Happy New Year to all of you.  Love you much and I miss you even more.

2)  Today for "Activity Hour" I gave my kids 3 bottles of ink, a cup of water, and canvas type paper.  I attempted to teach ink painting.  I got a wide variety of responses but one little girl named Nokyung (peacock in Thai) gave me this.

I love it.

False Sense of Control

I have one more day of lessons in term one of my second year and stress is pulling at me yet again.  It's the same story as last year, and simply a constant notion for a teacher, you want all your students to pass their tests with flying colors and everyone dance around a box of donuts with their 100% smiley face marks on the tops of their exams.  The harsh reality is I will hand back some failed tests and feel like an asshole about it.  I know it's an extreme way of thinking but in my mind I am telling a child he/she isn't good enough and that is an awful feeling.  My fellow grade six teacher calmed my nerves over lunch on Friday by pointing out that these same students will get similar marks on their Thai exams.  It was a good reminder that these tests aren't necessarily a reflection of you as a teacher.  You can help guide and point their tiny minds in the right direction but you can only teach root work ethic and motivation to an extent, most of that is the parents' job.

Since I have been back from the wedding and my visit home, life has been busy to say the least, and amazing the say the very least.  My newly wed friends and my brother joined me in my new home.  We toured Bangkok, new islands, and cities and had a great time. They did some traveling up to the North of Thailand while I was busy teaching and it was great to hear their impressions of this place.  Some of which were similar to mine - disorganization being a common theme. However, I think that is one of the many things Thailand has taught me.  Let go a bit.  No, the buses aren't on time.  A trip into Bangkok from Koh Samet took six hours instead of the three you thought it was going to.  Well guess what, there's not a whole lot you can do about that.  Sit back and enjoy the ride.  As long as I've got something to write, read, and listen - I should quit my bitching.

Who knows which came first, the chicken or the egg (Thailand being without schedule, or people being laid back about it), but people here live without as much expectation and it is a shame I need such a constant reminder to adopt this mindset.  Things more often have a way of finding you than the opposite.  Time to throw away my "What will be done today" lists and focus on my "Great times that have been had list."  (I'm teaching future passive and present perfect passive voice and had to sneak that one in there.  Nerdy teachers for the win)

Friends and family have asked me, "How long will you stay?"   "What's your plan when you get back?"  "Do you have a girlfriend out there?"   "Where are you going next?"  Again, this life has a way of showing you instead.  

She tells me, "Josh, you think so much."  - yeah, I know.   "Josh, you think a lot."  yeah, I know!  The end of term I lose some sleep, ok.    "Josh, why do you think so much?"  That was a question for which I had no response.  So I'm trying to do it less.

**Notables**

1) When your student who absolutely adores comics, Marvel, and everything superhero related is chosen to be a superhero in a skit, he then sends you this from their trip saying, "Teacher Josh, we just arrived to the hotel and I am practicing for tomorrow."  Go save the world Taechin!

2) One of our roommates was recently hit by a car while crossing the street right outside our house.  It has been a whirlwind of emotions and events.  We are so happy she is doing ok and every time I visit the hospital and see her smiling it makes me so happy and thankful.  I am also thankful for everyone in my house and how they have all come together as a family.  I am blessed to be surrounded by such an amazing group again this year.  Keep fighting Mare Lee, we love you girl.  And thank you friends.

 

3) One night while walking home by myself on Koh Samet I was surrounded by puppies. All of the asshole dogs in Thailand went away and I played with puppies for God knows how long.  This is the only photo I have that came out legible.  

Hello Year 2

Wow, this will only be the second time I have written in 2016.  I think I've said this before but when I have a lot to say or share I always wait for that perfect day when I can upload the photos, write 'til my heart's content, and make a real worthwhile post.  Well, today is not that day seeing as how it's already 9PM and I have a Pre-Test to grade; my bedtime is probably before most of my students these days.  I can't find the test anyway, it's time to share for a bit.

I entered my second year of teaching with a whole lot more confidence than I did my first but my nerves were still bundled and I worried too much.  I have my same students from last year, which has helped but they are a year older now and from day one they have seemed so much older than two months ago when I handed in their final grades for P5.  Origami is going to be stupid now, right?  Hangman as a daily warm up game will be lame and I swear I just got another dirty look from Dao.  I know girl, this lesson is shit!  I worked my tail off those first four weeks before I went home and left on good terms with myself on the work I'd put in but still knew I needed to do better.

My time home was an absolute ruckus of a good time and I was constantly surrounded by some amazing people.  I watched my Rockies win a game the day after I landed.  I officiated the wedding of two of my best friends in an unbelievable venue that capped off a hell of a wedding week.

The wedding week was damn near a reunion.  I saw so many of you amazing people there that I had not seen in a very long time.  After that I made a road trip with my Dad and brother up to my Grandparents' farm.  Oh good 'ol Wyoming.  Many a whiskey shot and beer were saluted as we spent two quick days on a farm where I spent many summers.  It was the first time Derek had been up there in 13 years!   (No, the first picture was not from 13 years ago.  However, these are in the same spot.)

We made Lake Trip year 19 happen!  I got to see all my CSU buddies for a quick beer or three.  Safety third!  I went on hikes and spent some great time with my family as I basically watched my little sister leave home.  Quite an odd feeling, it was just the other day when I baby sat you every day after school and played games all night long.  It was an incredible three weeks to say the least.  I flew on a Friday morning, lost 13 hours along the way and ended up in a small hotel outside of Bangkok near the airport at 2AM on Sunday.  I found the wrong bus home on Sunday morning and walked into school Monday morning.  I expected to be jet-

lagged, I expected to be unprepared, and I was wishing and praying for a quiet class.  Well the third hope was just stupid, let's be real now.  However, when I came back my class was mine again and I had my confidence.  In fact it was better than before.  I could spit at you what I have before about how my friends are family and how much all of you from back home support me, which you most definitely do and I thank God for it every day, but I can't really pinpoint what happened when I came back.  Only that I was a teacher again and me and my 23 little friends have been having a riot in class.  Despite all the clubs, parties, traveling, sight-seeing, and beach dwelling - that first week back is my favorite week I've spent living abroad.  Oh and Dao, you get funny faces pointed at you when you're not looking.  That's why Stamp is always laughing.  : )  Touché!  Thanks friends and family, both back home and all of you that ushered me back in with beer Olympics last weekend.

**Notables**

1) One of my best friends sent me a text before I left that if paraphrased said, if you ever need anything at all I don't know how I will make it happen but I will do my damnedest and it will happen.  Thanks man, that was awesome.

2) Here's one for all me European mates.  I made it so far in to the heart of fuggin' cowboy 'Merica they didn't even bloody call 'em chips anymore!  I mean we usually don't call them chips, but for this dish we generally make an exception for ye lads.

3) I had a drink with a spark of an old flame while I was home and we talked for a while that night.  Something that came up was how she respected me because I intimidated her.  She said I always spoke without bull shit.  I didn't want to take the idea that I intimidated her as a push of confidence my way, but in an odd way I did.  It wasn't because I did, I actually felt quite bad when she said so, but it was because generally I always thought it was quite the opposite.  She has such a strong personality that not in a million years would I have thought that to be the case.  I may still be intimidated by a lot of you out there, but I suppose on occasion I may do some intimidating myself.  However, I can't worry about what I don't know might be the case, so I have to just be.

4) Thanks to all of you that made the effort to see me while I was home.  Some of you went way out of your way and some of you bought me a beer.  : )   I love you all.

5) When your friends tell you, "Uh hey dude, you should check out your pictures," when they hand you your phone there is that moment you think you'll probably see something hairy.  Well, I wasn't wrong...

That face.

Goodbye

About a month before the end of school one of my best friends I've made in Thailand told me, "ya know, you really need to mentally prepare yourself for that week after school gets finished."  Reason one of many why we're such good buds.  She was right, and I tried, but saying goodbye never really gets any easier.  I can't train for it like a race and any life experience I do have doesn't matter because each new one is different.  I wasn't prepared for that week and then it didn't come until more than a week later since my family was here.  I was distracted having an absolute blast showing them around the places I love.  So in the course of a little more than two weeks I said goodbye to my students, I said goodbye to some friends and an awesome roommate, and then I said goodbye to my family.  In the next two weeks I'll say goodbye to more roommates when some of us reunite in Northern Thailand.  We'll be in Chiang Mai for the Thai New Year (SongKran) which is also the world's biggest water fight.  It spans nations in South East Asia and I am stoked, but it too will mark a close to things.  Sometimes I say goodbye for a while, sometimes for longer, sometimes I say goodbye for good because I should, and sometimes I say goodbye forever and don't know it.  None are easy, but they're facts of life and like anything else I move forward.

Enough of this being a downer post.  Layne and I back home during a happy hour pint would need a vent session but you can't only bitch.  We would spend the first 20 minutes or pint, whichever came first, spewing our minds and griping and then laughs would ensue.  I've booked a flight to Vietnam and leave in six days.  Time to get back out there and see some things.  I arrived in my TEFL course alone, I traveled around seeking a job alone, and I am excited to bum around Thailand on my own again.  There's freedom in it.  A lot of the time when I go to the markets the vendors ask me, "Khun dee ow, mai?"  (Are you alone?)  And I respond, "Pom dee ow, mi kwam suk, mai bpen rai kawp"  (I'm alone, but I am happy.  Don't worry)

**Noteables**

1) The most stressful time of the year for me is writing and giving the term tests.  I want the kids to do so well and I push them harder to learn and scold them and myself when we don't make the progress I feel we should be making.  One day at the peak of it I sat and wrote this.  It has stayed on a desktop sticky note ever since.  I run because it is my metaphor.
-->
You are proficient at what you train for.  You train for sprints - your body, and mostly your mind, is going to have a tough time switching back to the other.  A distance run seemed daunting the other night and then you flew.

You start letting all of this stress and deadlines get to you, you yourself are going to begin producing stress and angst.  Yes, there are tests and term tests coming.  But the students are calm as they always are.  Watch them laugh, smile, and play.  Feed off of that.  Don't continue to proliferate the angst.  It will make you a worse teacher and breed less efficient learners.

Have fun and finish strong, just like your sprints.
-->

I wrote if after I saw my student, Sun, playing badminton after a particularly bad lesson.  She had a smile on her face and spread that cheer my way.  She is indeed a bright light.  When it is her turn for hangman her words are always, "Hope" and "Love" and "Excited"




2) A few friends in the last month or so have said small things that have really stuck with me and made me feel wanted and worthy.  I thought about posting them here but that would've cheated the point I want to make.  It's the littlest things that can make the biggest difference.  One little sentence or one little gesture really makes my day sometimes.  Thank you.

3) On the last day of school I had to grade term tests, submit grades, go pack a bag for Bangkok, hop a bus, and go find my family in the airport.  My students finished with stellar marks and I am so proud of them.  Now on to the airport.
Derek: You're at the airport?
Me:  yeah, where are you?
Derek :  Door 9
Me:  How are you messaging me?  NM.
Me:  There is no door 9.

Welcome to Thailand's confusion my family.  That was in the first 15 minutes!  However, being a tour guide is tough.  This has given me so much insight as to when I go visit friends.  Thank you friends!

And now to get the rest of my family and friends out here.  I'll see you soon, chai mai? (right?)

Trains, planes, and automobiles here I come.  See you all later.

SOS

.  .  .  -  -  -  .  .  .

Here I am writing about new found happiness (by the way, Ha-penis = happiness) when my best friend in the world is going through some pretty rough times.  It's been on my mind but it's made me feel like a fool that I haven't done more about it.  Sorry buddy.  One of the definite downfalls of being so far from home is that you can't be there like you should for the ones you love.  

The year before I left for Thailand was a fairly dark time for me.  Between a head injury that took about two week's memory from me, a break up, feeling stuck in life, etc. - I had a friend tell me that it was maybe time I sought some help.  I found a therapist and began attending regularly.  It was such a help to talk to someone you don't know at all.  Even if they didn't speak, the unbiased nature of their company was comforting.  I only tell this in hopes that someone may seek the same if they're sitting on the fence.  It was hands down the best thing I've done for myself.

You, yes you, please be proactive and take care of yourself first and foremost.  However, this is a two-way street.  The holidays are coming to a close and this is never a relaxed time for any of us, as much as we want it to be.  I've seen many posts in my feed alluding to this recently.  If you see someone you think may be hurting a bit, don't ask them what's wrong or how you can help.  Sorry, but there's a 90% chance that won't do much for them even if your heart is in the right place.  Instead go for a cup of coffee and simply listen.  Even if they don't talk about a single thing that's bothering them your company and the fact you cared and made time for them is a better gift than any you wrapped this year.

You're on my mind friend, and in my thoughts and prayers.  And even if prayer doesn't mean much to you, like Phil said - you put good will out there and somehow it gets where it's supposed to go.  It will get there. (paraphrased of course, you can't duplicate wisdom that real.)

Please My Friends  .   Extend Yourself Beyond  -   Your Own Means .

Ha ha-penis

Upon the suggestion from a friend over lunch I decided to give myself until Christmas to decide what was next.  Christmas comes a bit early this year.  The options were to continue teaching here in Chanthaburi, move around Thailand a bit, teach in another country, or go home.

I'm happy here.  I'm happy and I am learning so much and I think that's the objective.  In the grand scheme of things my existence will be short.  All that bullshit I stressed about in the office, nope, didn't matter.  In thirty years I won't look back on the moments of stress or insecurity, I'll look back on the sunshine and the smiles.  So why not be happy, and if you are happy, keep it up.  Right now it's as simple as that.  As much as I am smiling genuinely and laughing from the belly lately, this decision wasn't difficult.  I will be in Chanthaburi for another school year.

I made my decision about a month ago but it was on my way home from Koh Chang and I thought that maybe a ferry ride home from an epic weekend, while mentally riding on the coat-tails of utopia, wasn't the best time to make that choice.  Of course I wanted to stay!  By no means is life over here Camelot.  I've been mildly sick for four weeks now.  I work 50+ hour weeks in a somewhat stressful, fast-paced environment.  My Thai is still extremely basic and that can lead to a lot of confusing situations.  But damn is it fun.  What's a sore throat when you've stayed on island number four last weekend?  A 50 hour week doesn't feel like 'fifty' sounds when you've got twenty-three tiny friends greeting you at the beginning and end of every day.  And I am learning new Thai words everyday.  Yes, I'm homesick around the holidays and I definitely have my highs and lows, but the lows feel different than they used to.  It's not a sense of despair or depression.  Instead it feels like the natural swing of things and probably looks more like a natural sine curve than a shifted ... oh damn, I let the math nerd out to roam a bit too far.

Moral of the story, I will be here for another year.  So all of you telling me you're coming to visit next year, you can book your tickets now and I'll see you soon.

**Notables**

1) Here's a few from the Koh Chang weekend.  This crew right here is why I named it epic.  These folks are a blast and have made it feel like home when you're far away from family during the holidays.  Sorry, couldn't get the red eyes out.

We went on a very half-planned hike.  We couldn't find the trail most of the time, we didn't go very far, but we did find a calm, cool river.  On our way back we stumbled into a field of elephants.  Slightly unnerving but incredible.  They couldn't have cared less.

2)  A quality I really admire about the Thai people is how they simply do.  There was an important national holiday recently and on our way to school I see a group of people with an old picnic table top, a blue cloth, some gold ribbon, a staple gun, etc.  Some supplies obviously pulled together from whatever they could find among their homes.  Back home, if you were to make something for a religious holiday, or any day of importance really, you would try and do it the best and make it great and if you can't do the project with proper supplies you wait until you can.  A lot of the time here I see people making due with what they have and it's really inspiring.  We drove by the same site after school and they had made an impressive tribute to their holiday.

3) Island number four had fire limbo.  These are from Erin's birthday.  Unfortunately we didn't get photos from the actual limbo but they give you a shot afterward.  Look at how happy she is!  I'm headed back to Koh Samet for New Year's and I'm limbering up.