Losing the Lore

I have been with the same group of kids for two years now and at the end of this school year, mid-March, they make the transition from Prathom to Mathayom - essentially what I would call elementary to junior high school.  It is going to be hard to say goodbye regardless, however this odd transition in life for them will make it slightly different than if I were simply saying goodbye as their teacher from a different learning year.  During the two years I've seen them grow in all sorts of different motivating ways that make a teacher proud but I've also watched them lose a bit of 'being a kid.'  I remember the day they asked if we could stop watching as many animated movies during our "Club Hour" and now we watch almost none together.  They are assigned massive amounts of homework and when I ask them what they've been doing all weekend they say, "homework Teacher, what do you mean?"  They've begun to form small clicks in their friend groups; not nearly to the extent that will happen next year but I know that's all too soon.  I make it sound all dismal but some of their little morphs are great.  Their humor is so mature to the point of their teacher blushing a few times.

Porsche: "Hey Teacher have you ever been to pen island?"
Me: "What?  No, where is that?"
Porsche:  "How 'bout penis land?"
Touché young padawan.
(I am well aware that joke was painfully obvious in written form)

As a kid you stop believing in fairies, dragons, and heroes that save the day.  As an adult I find myself relating in analogous ways losing faith in things you had thought you would have found by now.   There's no white picket fence and the princess I was going to save from that dragon and I are walking a tough road.  Getting married to your one and only was a fairy tale as it turns out and the term "head over heels" is just about as stupid as it sounds.  That would hurt dammit.

Last week we were watching the new Pete's Dragon, however, and my twenty three little boogers were really digging it.  I put down my tests I was marking and decided to give the ending my full attention.  Their Ooos and Aaahs were just too difficult to ignore for much longer.  The scene where there are hundreds of dragons all flying together over the canyon made my whole class gasp, Ooo one more time, then clap and cheer.  They haven't lost the lore, I pray they never will, and I'm trying my best to do the same right now.

**Notables**
1)  I haven't written in too long and have so much more to tell, but I have been trying write this for a while now.   Happy New Year to all of you.  Love you much and I miss you even more.

2)  Today for "Activity Hour" I gave my kids 3 bottles of ink, a cup of water, and canvas type paper.  I attempted to teach ink painting.  I got a wide variety of responses but one little girl named Nokyung (peacock in Thai) gave me this.

I love it.

False Sense of Control

I have one more day of lessons in term one of my second year and stress is pulling at me yet again.  It's the same story as last year, and simply a constant notion for a teacher, you want all your students to pass their tests with flying colors and everyone dance around a box of donuts with their 100% smiley face marks on the tops of their exams.  The harsh reality is I will hand back some failed tests and feel like an asshole about it.  I know it's an extreme way of thinking but in my mind I am telling a child he/she isn't good enough and that is an awful feeling.  My fellow grade six teacher calmed my nerves over lunch on Friday by pointing out that these same students will get similar marks on their Thai exams.  It was a good reminder that these tests aren't necessarily a reflection of you as a teacher.  You can help guide and point their tiny minds in the right direction but you can only teach root work ethic and motivation to an extent, most of that is the parents' job.

Since I have been back from the wedding and my visit home, life has been busy to say the least, and amazing the say the very least.  My newly wed friends and my brother joined me in my new home.  We toured Bangkok, new islands, and cities and had a great time. They did some traveling up to the North of Thailand while I was busy teaching and it was great to hear their impressions of this place.  Some of which were similar to mine - disorganization being a common theme. However, I think that is one of the many things Thailand has taught me.  Let go a bit.  No, the buses aren't on time.  A trip into Bangkok from Koh Samet took six hours instead of the three you thought it was going to.  Well guess what, there's not a whole lot you can do about that.  Sit back and enjoy the ride.  As long as I've got something to write, read, and listen - I should quit my bitching.

Who knows which came first, the chicken or the egg (Thailand being without schedule, or people being laid back about it), but people here live without as much expectation and it is a shame I need such a constant reminder to adopt this mindset.  Things more often have a way of finding you than the opposite.  Time to throw away my "What will be done today" lists and focus on my "Great times that have been had list."  (I'm teaching future passive and present perfect passive voice and had to sneak that one in there.  Nerdy teachers for the win)

Friends and family have asked me, "How long will you stay?"   "What's your plan when you get back?"  "Do you have a girlfriend out there?"   "Where are you going next?"  Again, this life has a way of showing you instead.  

She tells me, "Josh, you think so much."  - yeah, I know.   "Josh, you think a lot."  yeah, I know!  The end of term I lose some sleep, ok.    "Josh, why do you think so much?"  That was a question for which I had no response.  So I'm trying to do it less.

**Notables**

1) When your student who absolutely adores comics, Marvel, and everything superhero related is chosen to be a superhero in a skit, he then sends you this from their trip saying, "Teacher Josh, we just arrived to the hotel and I am practicing for tomorrow."  Go save the world Taechin!

2) One of our roommates was recently hit by a car while crossing the street right outside our house.  It has been a whirlwind of emotions and events.  We are so happy she is doing ok and every time I visit the hospital and see her smiling it makes me so happy and thankful.  I am also thankful for everyone in my house and how they have all come together as a family.  I am blessed to be surrounded by such an amazing group again this year.  Keep fighting Mare Lee, we love you girl.  And thank you friends.

 

3) One night while walking home by myself on Koh Samet I was surrounded by puppies. All of the asshole dogs in Thailand went away and I played with puppies for God knows how long.  This is the only photo I have that came out legible.  

Hello Year 2

Wow, this will only be the second time I have written in 2016.  I think I've said this before but when I have a lot to say or share I always wait for that perfect day when I can upload the photos, write 'til my heart's content, and make a real worthwhile post.  Well, today is not that day seeing as how it's already 9PM and I have a Pre-Test to grade; my bedtime is probably before most of my students these days.  I can't find the test anyway, it's time to share for a bit.

I entered my second year of teaching with a whole lot more confidence than I did my first but my nerves were still bundled and I worried too much.  I have my same students from last year, which has helped but they are a year older now and from day one they have seemed so much older than two months ago when I handed in their final grades for P5.  Origami is going to be stupid now, right?  Hangman as a daily warm up game will be lame and I swear I just got another dirty look from Dao.  I know girl, this lesson is shit!  I worked my tail off those first four weeks before I went home and left on good terms with myself on the work I'd put in but still knew I needed to do better.

My time home was an absolute ruckus of a good time and I was constantly surrounded by some amazing people.  I watched my Rockies win a game the day after I landed.  I officiated the wedding of two of my best friends in an unbelievable venue that capped off a hell of a wedding week.

The wedding week was damn near a reunion.  I saw so many of you amazing people there that I had not seen in a very long time.  After that I made a road trip with my Dad and brother up to my Grandparents' farm.  Oh good 'ol Wyoming.  Many a whiskey shot and beer were saluted as we spent two quick days on a farm where I spent many summers.  It was the first time Derek had been up there in 13 years!   (No, the first picture was not from 13 years ago.  However, these are in the same spot.)

We made Lake Trip year 19 happen!  I got to see all my CSU buddies for a quick beer or three.  Safety third!  I went on hikes and spent some great time with my family as I basically watched my little sister leave home.  Quite an odd feeling, it was just the other day when I baby sat you every day after school and played games all night long.  It was an incredible three weeks to say the least.  I flew on a Friday morning, lost 13 hours along the way and ended up in a small hotel outside of Bangkok near the airport at 2AM on Sunday.  I found the wrong bus home on Sunday morning and walked into school Monday morning.  I expected to be jet-

lagged, I expected to be unprepared, and I was wishing and praying for a quiet class.  Well the third hope was just stupid, let's be real now.  However, when I came back my class was mine again and I had my confidence.  In fact it was better than before.  I could spit at you what I have before about how my friends are family and how much all of you from back home support me, which you most definitely do and I thank God for it every day, but I can't really pinpoint what happened when I came back.  Only that I was a teacher again and me and my 23 little friends have been having a riot in class.  Despite all the clubs, parties, traveling, sight-seeing, and beach dwelling - that first week back is my favorite week I've spent living abroad.  Oh and Dao, you get funny faces pointed at you when you're not looking.  That's why Stamp is always laughing.  : )  Touché!  Thanks friends and family, both back home and all of you that ushered me back in with beer Olympics last weekend.

**Notables**

1) One of my best friends sent me a text before I left that if paraphrased said, if you ever need anything at all I don't know how I will make it happen but I will do my damnedest and it will happen.  Thanks man, that was awesome.

2) Here's one for all me European mates.  I made it so far in to the heart of fuggin' cowboy 'Merica they didn't even bloody call 'em chips anymore!  I mean we usually don't call them chips, but for this dish we generally make an exception for ye lads.

3) I had a drink with a spark of an old flame while I was home and we talked for a while that night.  Something that came up was how she respected me because I intimidated her.  She said I always spoke without bull shit.  I didn't want to take the idea that I intimidated her as a push of confidence my way, but in an odd way I did.  It wasn't because I did, I actually felt quite bad when she said so, but it was because generally I always thought it was quite the opposite.  She has such a strong personality that not in a million years would I have thought that to be the case.  I may still be intimidated by a lot of you out there, but I suppose on occasion I may do some intimidating myself.  However, I can't worry about what I don't know might be the case, so I have to just be.

4) Thanks to all of you that made the effort to see me while I was home.  Some of you went way out of your way and some of you bought me a beer.  : )   I love you all.

5) When your friends tell you, "Uh hey dude, you should check out your pictures," when they hand you your phone there is that moment you think you'll probably see something hairy.  Well, I wasn't wrong...

That face.

Goodbye

About a month before the end of school one of my best friends I've made in Thailand told me, "ya know, you really need to mentally prepare yourself for that week after school gets finished."  Reason one of many why we're such good buds.  She was right, and I tried, but saying goodbye never really gets any easier.  I can't train for it like a race and any life experience I do have doesn't matter because each new one is different.  I wasn't prepared for that week and then it didn't come until more than a week later since my family was here.  I was distracted having an absolute blast showing them around the places I love.  So in the course of a little more than two weeks I said goodbye to my students, I said goodbye to some friends and an awesome roommate, and then I said goodbye to my family.  In the next two weeks I'll say goodbye to more roommates when some of us reunite in Northern Thailand.  We'll be in Chiang Mai for the Thai New Year (SongKran) which is also the world's biggest water fight.  It spans nations in South East Asia and I am stoked, but it too will mark a close to things.  Sometimes I say goodbye for a while, sometimes for longer, sometimes I say goodbye for good because I should, and sometimes I say goodbye forever and don't know it.  None are easy, but they're facts of life and like anything else I move forward.

Enough of this being a downer post.  Layne and I back home during a happy hour pint would need a vent session but you can't only bitch.  We would spend the first 20 minutes or pint, whichever came first, spewing our minds and griping and then laughs would ensue.  I've booked a flight to Vietnam and leave in six days.  Time to get back out there and see some things.  I arrived in my TEFL course alone, I traveled around seeking a job alone, and I am excited to bum around Thailand on my own again.  There's freedom in it.  A lot of the time when I go to the markets the vendors ask me, "Khun dee ow, mai?"  (Are you alone?)  And I respond, "Pom dee ow, mi kwam suk, mai bpen rai kawp"  (I'm alone, but I am happy.  Don't worry)

**Noteables**

1) The most stressful time of the year for me is writing and giving the term tests.  I want the kids to do so well and I push them harder to learn and scold them and myself when we don't make the progress I feel we should be making.  One day at the peak of it I sat and wrote this.  It has stayed on a desktop sticky note ever since.  I run because it is my metaphor.
-->
You are proficient at what you train for.  You train for sprints - your body, and mostly your mind, is going to have a tough time switching back to the other.  A distance run seemed daunting the other night and then you flew.

You start letting all of this stress and deadlines get to you, you yourself are going to begin producing stress and angst.  Yes, there are tests and term tests coming.  But the students are calm as they always are.  Watch them laugh, smile, and play.  Feed off of that.  Don't continue to proliferate the angst.  It will make you a worse teacher and breed less efficient learners.

Have fun and finish strong, just like your sprints.
-->

I wrote if after I saw my student, Sun, playing badminton after a particularly bad lesson.  She had a smile on her face and spread that cheer my way.  She is indeed a bright light.  When it is her turn for hangman her words are always, "Hope" and "Love" and "Excited"




2) A few friends in the last month or so have said small things that have really stuck with me and made me feel wanted and worthy.  I thought about posting them here but that would've cheated the point I want to make.  It's the littlest things that can make the biggest difference.  One little sentence or one little gesture really makes my day sometimes.  Thank you.

3) On the last day of school I had to grade term tests, submit grades, go pack a bag for Bangkok, hop a bus, and go find my family in the airport.  My students finished with stellar marks and I am so proud of them.  Now on to the airport.
Derek: You're at the airport?
Me:  yeah, where are you?
Derek :  Door 9
Me:  How are you messaging me?  NM.
Me:  There is no door 9.

Welcome to Thailand's confusion my family.  That was in the first 15 minutes!  However, being a tour guide is tough.  This has given me so much insight as to when I go visit friends.  Thank you friends!

And now to get the rest of my family and friends out here.  I'll see you soon, chai mai? (right?)

Trains, planes, and automobiles here I come.  See you all later.

SOS

.  .  .  -  -  -  .  .  .

Here I am writing about new found happiness (by the way, Ha-penis = happiness) when my best friend in the world is going through some pretty rough times.  It's been on my mind but it's made me feel like a fool that I haven't done more about it.  Sorry buddy.  One of the definite downfalls of being so far from home is that you can't be there like you should for the ones you love.  

The year before I left for Thailand was a fairly dark time for me.  Between a head injury that took about two week's memory from me, a break up, feeling stuck in life, etc. - I had a friend tell me that it was maybe time I sought some help.  I found a therapist and began attending regularly.  It was such a help to talk to someone you don't know at all.  Even if they didn't speak, the unbiased nature of their company was comforting.  I only tell this in hopes that someone may seek the same if they're sitting on the fence.  It was hands down the best thing I've done for myself.

You, yes you, please be proactive and take care of yourself first and foremost.  However, this is a two-way street.  The holidays are coming to a close and this is never a relaxed time for any of us, as much as we want it to be.  I've seen many posts in my feed alluding to this recently.  If you see someone you think may be hurting a bit, don't ask them what's wrong or how you can help.  Sorry, but there's a 90% chance that won't do much for them even if your heart is in the right place.  Instead go for a cup of coffee and simply listen.  Even if they don't talk about a single thing that's bothering them your company and the fact you cared and made time for them is a better gift than any you wrapped this year.

You're on my mind friend, and in my thoughts and prayers.  And even if prayer doesn't mean much to you, like Phil said - you put good will out there and somehow it gets where it's supposed to go.  It will get there. (paraphrased of course, you can't duplicate wisdom that real.)

Please My Friends  .   Extend Yourself Beyond  -   Your Own Means .

Ha ha-penis

Upon the suggestion from a friend over lunch I decided to give myself until Christmas to decide what was next.  Christmas comes a bit early this year.  The options were to continue teaching here in Chanthaburi, move around Thailand a bit, teach in another country, or go home.

I'm happy here.  I'm happy and I am learning so much and I think that's the objective.  In the grand scheme of things my existence will be short.  All that bullshit I stressed about in the office, nope, didn't matter.  In thirty years I won't look back on the moments of stress or insecurity, I'll look back on the sunshine and the smiles.  So why not be happy, and if you are happy, keep it up.  Right now it's as simple as that.  As much as I am smiling genuinely and laughing from the belly lately, this decision wasn't difficult.  I will be in Chanthaburi for another school year.

I made my decision about a month ago but it was on my way home from Koh Chang and I thought that maybe a ferry ride home from an epic weekend, while mentally riding on the coat-tails of utopia, wasn't the best time to make that choice.  Of course I wanted to stay!  By no means is life over here Camelot.  I've been mildly sick for four weeks now.  I work 50+ hour weeks in a somewhat stressful, fast-paced environment.  My Thai is still extremely basic and that can lead to a lot of confusing situations.  But damn is it fun.  What's a sore throat when you've stayed on island number four last weekend?  A 50 hour week doesn't feel like 'fifty' sounds when you've got twenty-three tiny friends greeting you at the beginning and end of every day.  And I am learning new Thai words everyday.  Yes, I'm homesick around the holidays and I definitely have my highs and lows, but the lows feel different than they used to.  It's not a sense of despair or depression.  Instead it feels like the natural swing of things and probably looks more like a natural sine curve than a shifted ... oh damn, I let the math nerd out to roam a bit too far.

Moral of the story, I will be here for another year.  So all of you telling me you're coming to visit next year, you can book your tickets now and I'll see you soon.

**Notables**

1) Here's a few from the Koh Chang weekend.  This crew right here is why I named it epic.  These folks are a blast and have made it feel like home when you're far away from family during the holidays.  Sorry, couldn't get the red eyes out.

We went on a very half-planned hike.  We couldn't find the trail most of the time, we didn't go very far, but we did find a calm, cool river.  On our way back we stumbled into a field of elephants.  Slightly unnerving but incredible.  They couldn't have cared less.

2)  A quality I really admire about the Thai people is how they simply do.  There was an important national holiday recently and on our way to school I see a group of people with an old picnic table top, a blue cloth, some gold ribbon, a staple gun, etc.  Some supplies obviously pulled together from whatever they could find among their homes.  Back home, if you were to make something for a religious holiday, or any day of importance really, you would try and do it the best and make it great and if you can't do the project with proper supplies you wait until you can.  A lot of the time here I see people making due with what they have and it's really inspiring.  We drove by the same site after school and they had made an impressive tribute to their holiday.

3) Island number four had fire limbo.  These are from Erin's birthday.  Unfortunately we didn't get photos from the actual limbo but they give you a shot afterward.  Look at how happy she is!  I'm headed back to Koh Samet for New Year's and I'm limbering up.

Home

I decided to head back to the U.S. for a portion of my three week teaching break.  I knew going back was going to be strange and it most definitely was, initially.  In the beginning there was some reverse culture shock: everything moved at a different pace, y'all drive on the right side of the road, and everything was louder.  I remember a conversation with a friend about if it was louder because I could actually understand the ambient noise and eavesdrop a bit instead of simply tuning out conversations or if it was indeed louder, who knows.

After that all settled down and I stopped pooping, yep that happened, I was quickly shown why I came home back.  One evening I looked around the room and saw long time friends that drove multiple hours to just come have a beer and a burger and shoot the shit.  Seriously though, one party drove three hours, multiple other parties drove at least an hour, and my brother flew from California to Colorado.  It wasn't only that night though.  Over the week or so I was home back I saw college friends, Fort Collins friends, beer brewing buddies, some friends I've known since grade school, and even a good friend I roomed with in Thailand.  The group of people I call family and friends have always made me feeling incredibly blessed.  I always consider myself to have a large family because my friends are family to me.  Being back in Thailand now and preparing to teach tomorrow I have my batteries recharged and my confidence renewed and it is because of all of you.  Thank you.

There was 8 pictures taken here but this was my favorite, it tells the story of all us fools.  You can hear Keefe, WTF?

It wasn't home though.  I'm back home now.  "Home is where the heart is," "Home is where you lay your head," no, home is where you feel most comfortable.  I feel at home in Chanthaburi because I let go more.  I feel free and as if I control more of my own decisions.  The anonymity of being a wandering traveler lets me feel as if my petty actions and my mistakes don't matter as much.  People write you off as a foreigner who hasn't figured it out yet if you do something atypical or abnormal, and I like that.  I need to work on transferring that notion of don't sweat the small stuff to a 24:7 mentality if I ever have a chance of making the U.S. my home again.  However, now I know it's more of a when than an if because my family is overseas and I miss you all.  Again, thank you.

**The Notables**

1) Through the course of some odd time changes during the flights and jet lag I saw the sun come up six times over break.  An absolutely stunning feeling.  Here's a pretty terrible photo of it from the JFK airport.

2) I was fairly lost in Bangkok after a night's rest before I continued home.  I stopped, took a deep breath, and reveled in that feeling.  There is something oddly familiar now about being lost and confused.  That sense of adventure and discovery was fresh again and it was good to be out of my element.  

3) On my last day I was fairly bummed I never made it up to the mountains.  One of my favorite things to do is hike up in the wilderness and I didn't do it once!  Then my little sister came through in the clutch and took me for a good hike.  Thank you so much Bean, you are awesome.

4) It was such an impromptu trip and it went by so fast.  I planned poorly and things came together haphazardly.  I apologize to those I didn't get to visit with and those I didn't spend enough time with.  I will be back in eight months for a two crazy weirdos' wedding and will see you soon.  Who gets married these days?!  Better yet, what dumbass would marry these two?   : )