The Walk

There's a point where you know it's done.  You didn't throw in the towel, you didn't point a finger, you knew it was just time to walk.  However, even after you walk you know that you can turn around and walk back.

To start, if you're bummed out about the world right now, this post probably isn't for you.  But I haven't written in forever and as I've said before in very selfish words, me writing is often an act of catharsis and not always for you.  Sorry to be an ass - I'll write for you someday.

There's a scene in Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy where Zooey Deschanel's character (Trillian) meets Arthur Dent and they become flirtatious and close quickly.  (I've also read the book but as far as movie adaptations go, this one is quite good.)  Anyway, Trillian asks Arthur to leave the party - "Let's go somewhere."  Arthur asks where and she says, "Madagascar..."  He thinks she's joking at first, but after realizing she is serious he is blown away that is even an option in her mind, breaks eye contact, and shakes his head.

On a random day, seemingly unrelated to what Marisa and I were currently chatting about, she comments to me, "Do you always like new and interesting things?"  I gave her the same baffled shake of the head and said, "...of course, don't you?"  The fact she had asked that question meant I already had my answer.

This was not the moment, nor was it any particular disagreement or quarrel.  And Marisa, if you are reading this I want you to know that you're a lovely individual and you will stay with me for a long time in so many positive ways.

But there's a time where you know.  On some level you know that you won't make each other happy in the ways that you should.  This is the moment.  If anyone asked me how I knew, or what it came down to (most likely because people think that perhaps I'd stumbled on to some crucial life advice, or maybe because people just want a reason) I would have no idea what to say.  For just the same reasons that no one has anything to say when people ask, "how did you know she was the one?"

I've broken an engagement and I still haven't fully processed what that means, but I'm getting closer.  Being stuck at home and not being allowed to return to Thailand has really made me come to terms with a lot of this.  I am sad I can't return to my new home when I had initially planned, but not because I miss someone in the way I once did.  If I get stuck back in the U.S. indefinitely I would be torn for other reasons that maybe aren't her.  And lastly, if I was to never return to Thailand (which I will damnit!) that is ... ok, now.

I gave a promise, I took a promise away, and that is a horrible, albeit necessary, thing.  But now I'm in a place where I know that I've walked away and I can't walk back.  It's time to walk alone for a while and build myself and grow again.



Notables

1)  I've got so much more to write and maybe some of it will be for you soon.  I have wanted to start a novel for some time and well, I've got time at the moment.

2)  I have experienced many positive things since the break that have really stuck with me as well, here's a quick list:

•  My amazing brother Derek being near me through all of this.  He's also having visa issues and we've been together a lot lately.  He has been such a blessing.  I've loaded his plate with multiple trips to Bangkok, packing my place up, EMOTIONS, verbal vomits, ... oh dear the list could go on.  Thank you so much Derek.  You have no idea.
•  I'll once again talk about how resilient Thai people that I come across can be, even if I've never met them.  Here's a fairly insignificant one that comes to mind.  I needed to change where I got off the bus when getting close to Bangkok because I booked a hotel on the way; it was near the airport and not in the city.  Somehow I communicated all of this in Thai to the bus assistant, then she just said I should tell the driver.  Ha.  So I did it again!  Later when exiting the bus, he went out of his way to make sure I got my bags ok, boarded a good taxi that would charge me a good price, and he wished me a very respectful good luck.  (In Thai when people use more respectful words it's noted and appreciated, and I definitely did!  He didn't have to since I am younger than him.)  Thank you random stranger.
•  I am going to finally get back in shape with all this extra time I have staying at home.  It's time to not be so damned unfit and slightly beer-chubby.

3)  I know this is not necessary, but I apologize to all of you around me to whom I have been slightly off for who knows how long.  And to all of those that have lent an ear when I just needed to let it all out, I appreciate you.

I'll be back Thailand, and I'm going to come back the best teacher that I've ever been.  Big hugs and love to all of you, here and abroad.

Goodbye

4th year Big House crew and damn was it a good bunch

After just saying goodbye to a roommate and feeling my eyes get soft it's finally time to write this.  I've wanted to write about goodbyes since I last left The States two months ago.  Why are they so damn weird?  They're so forced, unnatural and just odd.

With your best friends it feels like a checkbox.  You know you'll see them again but if you don't do it before leaving the country, well, you'd be kind of a jerk.  I recall a particular one with my friend Josh (yep, best friends since the third grade and we share the same name.  We often just go by our last names.)

Keefe:  Well, you take care bud.
Pearl:  Yep, you too man.  And keep in touch.
Keefe:  Will do man, I'll see you around.
Pearl:  Yeah man, I'll see you soon.

I've known the guy for 25+ years and this is what we say.  Keefe, if you're reading this I'm not dogging on you, rather just pointing out the absurdity of it all.  But maybe that's why goodbyes are so odd, there's no such thing as a good one.  Maybe I need to walk into the next one and say, "I'm gonna muck this up.  Later friend."  With your friends it's a formality that simply leaves things feeling informal.

Then there's the goodbyes you're glad you didn't say.  There's a garden that seemed bare but it turns out the soil needed tilling in a new way.  Things seemed broken, old, and used up but they were only egg shells and coffee grounds and now they're being remixed to fuel something new and you're happy to watch the beauty grow again.

Then there's the ones you definitely should say.  The one time I attended therapy in my life I'll never forget something she said in the first session.  The gist of it was if you're experiencing negative notions more often than you are positive feelings, something needs to change.  So simple and so useful.  This week I walked away from a good paying job with bonuses and tons of vacation time.  However, it was a place I felt didn't value education and didn't value the students.  Being a teacher can be a fairly thankless job sometimes and being a part of privatized education often feels like you're a token put in a place to help the school make as much money as possible  This school, however, pushed it a bit further with its lackadaisical attitude toward setting goals and letting eager little minds go without an environment in which they could flourish.  I'd had enough and on Friday I said goodbye.

I'm not leaving Chanthaburi though, so what I didn't plan for was the goodbyes to all my students.  I reverted to the awkward ones and told a lot of my little ones, "this is not goodbye, it's only see you later."  Ugh, I felt like such a cliche tool but I also couldn't stand the feeling that I was in some way abandoning them.  And of course these little heart-breakers didn't let me go without moistening my eyes and hugging me tight.

A girl in my P5 class when I told her I would always be her teacher, "you sure will, and I will always remember you as my teacher."

A note from another read, "...when Dad left I felt more connected to you."

Being a teacher doesn't mean grading tests and finishing grades.  You're a parent, you're a motivator, you're a counselor, you're a teddy bear to squeeze, and you're a friend simply trying to pave an easier path for them later.  These were goodbyes I was not ready for and dry eyes will take a few days.  I taught seven separate classes this year and I know all their names and quirky little personalities.  I am not bragging, rather I'm honored they opened up their classrooms to this little math nerd of teacher.  We "y=mx+b"-ed, we pythagorized the shit out of some triangles, and we "ho-dhi minus hi-dho all over hoho"-ed  (thanks Mr. Roney, still haven't forgot that one and now you've infected another generation.) 

Much love to my students these past two years.

Sincerely,

Mr. / Teacher  Josh

Notables

I am incredibly fortunate, and on Friday I walked out of one school and signed a contract with another.  I am so excited to be working with more of my friends in what seems to be a great environment.  Get ready new school, I'm going to math the heck out of you guys too.  

What You're Looking For

Our hiking team for Mt. Rinjani

Yep, we destroyed the ring.  Derek's friend Alan messaged him when he heard of our plans to hike a volcano in Indonesia and asked, "You guys are hiking a volcano.. Do you have a ring you need to get rid of or something?"  And the Lord of the Rings references continue.

My trip to Indonesia with Derek was an absolute blast.  Before I left I thought of our three weeks we spent in Laos and could anything compare to that  It did, but in a much more exhausting way.  It started with days full of beaches, motorbike rides to remote towns where we were definitely the 'foreigners on display', and confusing travel.  We arrived at Denpasar's "biggest bus station" according to Google Maps, only to be two of about eight people there including three people sleeping on the benches looking like they were waiting for a bus to the afterlife.  Then there's the guy who just wants us to get in his van.  The only way he could've been creepier was if he'd offered us candy.  Alas, we got in the van and ended up in a mountain town, next to the beach, in a room for $10 USD. 

chicken saté

The temples are incredible

Next came the Mt. Rinjani hike.  We spent the better part of three days and two nights on a mountain on the island of Lombok, just east of Bali.  In three days we trekked about 30 km and had a total elevation change of over 8,000 m.  It was the most challenging hike I've ever done.  Here's a photo of the still active volcano that sits inside of the 13km x 10km caldera formed by the original volcano's eruption.

Yes, all of that is the crater left by the blast back in the 12th century.  The crater is so big it has a lake.  At one point I was sitting in a hot spring under the lake, the lake was feeding a waterfall that fell next to me, and there were clouds forming up the hill in front of me because the caldera creates its own weather patterns.  It was unreal.  This is a photo from the crater rim; we hiked to the rim, down into the crater, around the lake, and then back out of the crater before we began our descent.

They woke us up on the second day at 2AM so we could summit Mordor and see sunrise.  Us little ill-prepared Pearls didn't have flashlights, or warm enough jackets, or a lot of things we needed including a pair of pants because mine got wet.  We're close to the summit when someone asks me if I'm cold, "No, I'm fine, just fine."   It was bloody cold!!  People say it was our mistake when we took shelter close to the peak to grab a breath and rest for a moment, that this is why we didn't summit.  I am glad we didn't summit.  It still kinda breaks my heart that I didn't, but we had guides telling us it was much more windy and dangerous than it usually is, when I stopped my blood slowed and my feet numbed a bit, and the cold wind was howling.  We did it, we did what we came for and I'm happy with that.  And we were treated to an epic sunrise.

Dawn

I'm just fine

At the end of the second day my body was tired I was making silly mistakes on the descent.  The ground was hard but had enough small gravel to make it slick.  After about my fifth fall I was bruised, bleeding a bit, and let out a scream in frustration.  I was done with this damn mountain.  And then there's Derek, "just a few more steps Mr. Frodo. I can see it now..."  God bless him, laughter heals all.  I was back on my feet and down to our second camp spot with a little less cursing.

Sunrise in front of a volcano

I love bridges

These porters were heaven sent!  They packed most our stuff up and down the mountain in these bamboo baskets and did it all in flip flops.  They insisted on a picture at the end.

Afterward we went to small island that we literally walked around.  Gili Air was peaceful and we met some really cool people here.  That hike resulted in the best and worst beer I've ever had, I earned it and damn did that make it delicious but Bintang sucks.

After Gili Air we spent my remaining time in the country in a town called Ubud, back on Bali.  It held a few more days with motorbike rides, temple visits, coffee plantations, more volcanoes, and a case of some of my own eruptions.  Damn you Bali stomach bugs, ya got me.   An incredible trip that didn't last long enough and a very quick goodbye on my birthday.   See you again soon here in Thailand Derek!  Miss ya already bud.

Notables

I thought I'd written about this before, but I just looked back through a couple of blogs and didn't see it.  Before I set out to move to Thailand I was saying goodbye to some people and a few told me a similar thing, "I hope you find what you're looking for."  It always made me think.  Hmm, am I looking for something?  Is that why I am moving?  Three years later and I still think of this well-intentioned wish.  I may not have had a quest with an clear end goal, but I did find what I was looking for.  I still don't know how to put my finger on what that is exactly, but what I do know is that I am happy, I am finding adventure, I have a job that challenges me and makes me happy teaching, and somehow by the grace of God I found a silly little lady that wants to be with me.  So yeah, I found what I was looking for.

I haven't been the most social person lately, and that's for a variety of reasons, but I still consider all of you Chantha-berries my homies.  You guys rock.  Sometimes it's hard to make friends with all of the newcomers just because there are so many of you.  However, it has been awesome to watch you guys find what you're looking for too.  I watch a lot of you grow as people and as friends and it's a pretty great thing.  I really intend to get out and see all of you more and more.

Cheers to all of you back home too.  I'll be back home for Christmas and we have some serious catching up to do.  Please get those Keystones cold...like a whole lot of them ya know.

The Ring

Leaving the shire.

The Why

There are probably a lot of people who think my engagement is great but also in the back of their minds do a little dog-head-tilt and say, "hmmm."  I can understand this, I was one of them and I can still stereotype a bit in my thinking when I see a guy in an Asian nation getting a bride.  Many dismayed thoughts probably occur - she likes his money, how young is she, is their love true or is this a mail order bride sort of deal.  Or maybe some that are a little more mild - how do they communicate, are they really good for each other, who is going to make the sacrifice and not live in their home nation and how will that go.  The two of us have walked a rough road fighting some battles that stemmed from some of these ideas.  Neither of us clearly fall into any of these categories or specific ways of thinking but the stigmas are there and influence you on some level.  And even if they don't, the simple fact that we come from such different worlds culturally created some bumps, or even potholes to better describe them, in our road we traveled.  It has been rough and sometimes unpleasant but after a big fight we would both look back and try and find the real root and there was always a common theme.  There was never anything truly mailicious or unsettling, it usually began from a misunderstanding.  There were/are many misunderstandings and there will be more due to mostly a language barrier.  I don't speak fluent Thai and she doesn't speak fluent English.  If you have hung out with the two of us together you might be worried because it seems we don't communicate well.  It used to bother me too, and sometimes still does, but we have learned to communicate much better as the two of us learn more about our languages and each other in general.  A lot of communicating can be unspoken  We started to build off of these battles and became closer because of them.  Over time we fought less and built more.

In the last 4 months or so we became closer and closer, had some amazing weekend getaways with some good conversation and the thought of marriage became more of a possibility to me.  It always was for her, from the very beginning she said she would marry me.  This was nerve racking in the beginning, I felt it was too early for that talk, but it also gave me confidence.  Then there was a conversation that summed up a theme.  One night I confided in her that as we became closer I was also scared I couldn't give her all the things she wanted.  That even if we did have kids maybe I wouldn't be able to help her in a way that another man could.  Perhaps I couldn't hold them, I couldn't drive our family to the beach, etc.  She looked at me and said I make her nervous and scared too.  I hung my head.  Then she told me the rest.  She said she only becomes nervous and scared when I think of these things.  She said they had never even occurred to her before I brought them up and that she is with me because I am a strong intelligent person.  My whole life I have always wanted to be treated like a normal person, to not be seen as someone different or in need of aid.  Those words will always stick with me and they've changed the way I think about myself.  They told me to stand taller because the only time people lose confidence in me (especially the one most important to me) is when I lose it for myself.

The When

Everyone wants to know the story of how I proposed.  There isn't really anything too exciting here to tell.  I didn't put it up on the jumbo tron, I didn't wait until Jaws popped out of the water, I didn't have candles or roses, and I didn't make it public.  In a lot of ways it was similar to the night I decided to marry her.  We were at my Mom's house in Greymouth New Zealand and we were having a good conversation about how much we'd grown, how happy it makes her, and how our future only holds more of these.  I told her I had to pee (romantic notions galore, eh) and left her watching the sunset on the coast.  I had hid the ring a little too deep in my bag and by the time I found it she had come inside because it was cold.  In hindsight I should have dragged her freezing butt back out there.  The next night it was the two of us talking about quite the opposite.  I think after meeting my family and friends and seeing more of the realness of all this she began to think about more of the serious things too and not just the fun holidays.  She started talking about kids, bills, loans, work, etc. and it was all worrying her because she thought it could all change.  I said we should keep one thing the same and asked her if she truly did want to be with me forever.  She said yes.  I turned to grab the ring out of my bag and she said "port shee" which translates to "I have to pee."   Son of a bitch, urine is going to ruin this damn thing!  She came back shortly and I was ready this time.

There and Back Again

Our time getting to New Zealand was a nightmare, I won't tell the awful story of more than 50 hours of travel, however I will say I will never fly with Air Asia again unless I absolutely have to.  They were no help.  Our time in New Zealand was incredible.  Upon arriving I told Derek, "this is the first time I've ever set foot in the southern hemisphere."  He replied with, "Every step we take from here on out will be the furthest we've ever been from the shire."  Fish and chips, craft beer, amazing treks, beautiful scenery on every leg of our many road trips, .. I could go on and on.  However, spending some time with family and friends (oh and my fiancé too) was the best part.  They made the trip. 

Derek, that pub we're looking for, is it called Mt. Doom like in the movie?  "No Josh, the pub they were supposed to meet Gandalf in was the Prancing Pony, Mt. Doom is in Mordor."   Right, right.  From Derek's constant Lord of the Rings references to Conor teasing Marisa about how we can find her some more bread if she likes (Marisa said she was tired of bread, which is somewhat analogous to my Aunt telling me she was tired of rice in Thailand.  I had to explain to her that bread is usually a part of most meals.), the New Zealand trip was incredible.  I saw one of the biggest beaches with black sand I've ever seen.  Derek had me convinced for a bit that lambs and sheep are different species.  Conor bear-hugged me, even with his broken foot, after we swam in freezing water.  My parents designed an unforgettable road trip that spoiled our eyes with views and our stomachs with cuisine.  Oh right, I said I could go on and on...and then I did.  Oh, one last thing.  Their beers come in about 18.5 ounce (575ml) pours which I guess is standard in the UK and Commonwealth nations.  "They come in pints!  I'm getting one."














Notables

1)  The locals in a small town told us to dig down on a certain beach at low tide and we could essentially make a small hot pool for us to sit in.  There is a lot of geothermic activity in New Zealand that makes this possible.  We dug and dug and we're still not sure if we're being laughed at by all the small town folks.  Perhaps we are another notch on a board full of gullible foreigners.





2) The night before we left I saw what looked like a bunch of spoiled rich kids playing loud music and drinking on a boat parked in the harbor in Auckland.  We passed them and I took a look back to see a couple of police officers not far behind us.  The two in uniform walked by too but then one of the kids stopped them and said, "excuse me, officers.  Is the music alright?  We can turn it down a bit if you like."  I thought this was a nice piece of punctuation on a friendly, very community based, people that we encountered our whole time in New Zealand.

Thanks for reading friends, hope to see you soon.   Thanks also to Derek for all the great photos.

Feeling Like a Teacher

This will be the third calendar year that I write here.  I wrote nine times in 2015, three times in 2016, and this will be only the second of the current year.  I have got to get better about this.  So let's do a quick update.  I unfortunately have to keep this brief; my house is hosting a trivia / pub-quiz night.  It's Friday night, there's beers to be drank and knowledge to be spewed.  (Keefe, I'd like to add that "Tiny Dancer" is blaring in the background as you advised buddy)

Today I finish teaching my fourth week at a new school, Stree Manda Pitak.  It is a Catholic School and has been around for a while.  I know this because the lady that served me soup today told me how her father taught there for most of his life and then she taught there for 41 years of her life; yeah, my Thai is getting a bit better.  I kind of chuckled when I sat down and initially saw her soup stand is only open for five hours a day, now I know she's retired and just makes soup for fun.  She probably opens when she wants, cooks when she wants, and smiles often.

The school is home to more than 3,000 learners all the way from kindergarten to senior year of high school (Matayom 6 or M6).  Initially my schedule included seven different classes, spanning from M2-M6 (grades 8-12).  This week it has been changed, I now have eight classes, the same levels plus two P5 (Prathom 5 = 5th grade) classes where I will teach math.  I am so stoked about this.  For about forty minutes today we talked about big numbers and number places (tens place. hundreds place, etc).  That may sound boring to you, but it was awesome!  I love the little ones.  They are so much fun and it is great to listen to their little laughs again.  Ok, enough stats.

I've only taught for two years and only at the prathom level.  Now I am mainly in charge of high school, which was really intimidating at first.  It is actually really great.  They are really fun, you just have to keep their minds working otherwise they go to sleep.  Seriously, I wake up students all the time.  I have a two hour block named "Science Experiment" and I've been given no textbook or guidance.  So far we have dropped stuff off a balcony and used the position equation to calculate height and tried to modify our reaction times with slow and fast music.  The music one was to introduce the idea of a control group in a science experiment.  In Reading and Writing we are attempting to pinpoint what is "beauty" and what should be the extent that an individual goes to attain it.  Their opinion papers have been fun to grade.  Thailand has some interesting ways of viewing beauty but these kiddos have some fairly progressive views.

I still say kiddos because in my "Project" class where I've also been given zero direction, we read Where the Wild Things Are and watched the movie afterward.  I was going to have them write a comparison-contrast paper until I was told not to teach so much and not to give work in that class.  Oh new school, you a little nuts sometimes.  In the ending scene when Max sails away from the island I noticed the girl sitting in front of me was wiping her eyes.  Then I look up and half the girls, and a couple boys pretending some dust got in their eyes, were weeping as well.  They're still very much kids with some very innocent hearts.  That class in particular is sweet as can be and absolutely brilliant.

I could go on and on, but it's almost trivia time.  So some notables --  (hey, I bloody spelled it right this time)

**Notables**
In the first week of school my homeroom students found a kitten in the ceiling and a snake on a shelf outside the room.  Not sure which egg or chicken came first, however, they were attempting to get it off the shelf when I was lesson planning and I see something fly by the class window.  I get up to take a look and watch a man use a stick to bash the head of the snake many times..... at a Catholic school mind you.

I've taught 7 classes, plus the two P5s, plus 4 more for extra classes for which I rotate around M2 and M3.  I am only one man, they are many.  Everyone knows my name ...I am doing my best.  Regardless, everyday I arrive at work I have hundreds of bright faces saying, "good morning Mr. Josh" or "Good morning teacher!"  It is the best start to a day and makes me smile ear to ear.

Yesterday was the Wai Kru (honor/respect teacher) ceremony.  I've done this two years before but this was different.  3,000 students bowing before you.  Sounds a little odd?  Well it is, until you think about how Thai people show respect.  One way to do it is simply lowering your body.  So all of them bowing wasn't necessarily them addressing me as if I was a deity, it was just a nice way to say thank you.  Also, when the new teachers were introduced I had to stand up.  The gifts they present you are flowers and such.  -->

I didn't realize mine was full of water when they gave it to me and I spilled a bit.  So when I stood up it sorta looked like I wet myself.  Meh, I was wearing black.  I don't think anyone noticed. The roar of applause that just kept building as I stood was damn near enough to bring me to tears too.  A truly humbling moment.

I've got more to write for sure.  But it's time to go see if I've got any knowledge fuel left in the tank this week.  Cheers friends.

Losing the Lore

I have been with the same group of kids for two years now and at the end of this school year, mid-March, they make the transition from Prathom to Mathayom - essentially what I would call elementary to junior high school.  It is going to be hard to say goodbye regardless, however this odd transition in life for them will make it slightly different than if I were simply saying goodbye as their teacher from a different learning year.  During the two years I've seen them grow in all sorts of different motivating ways that make a teacher proud but I've also watched them lose a bit of 'being a kid.'  I remember the day they asked if we could stop watching as many animated movies during our "Club Hour" and now we watch almost none together.  They are assigned massive amounts of homework and when I ask them what they've been doing all weekend they say, "homework Teacher, what do you mean?"  They've begun to form small clicks in their friend groups; not nearly to the extent that will happen next year but I know that's all too soon.  I make it sound all dismal but some of their little morphs are great.  Their humor is so mature to the point of their teacher blushing a few times.

Porsche: "Hey Teacher have you ever been to pen island?"
Me: "What?  No, where is that?"
Porsche:  "How 'bout penis land?"
Touché young padawan.
(I am well aware that joke was painfully obvious in written form)

As a kid you stop believing in fairies, dragons, and heroes that save the day.  As an adult I find myself relating in analogous ways losing faith in things you had thought you would have found by now.   There's no white picket fence and the princess I was going to save from that dragon and I are walking a tough road.  Getting married to your one and only was a fairy tale as it turns out and the term "head over heels" is just about as stupid as it sounds.  That would hurt dammit.

Last week we were watching the new Pete's Dragon, however, and my twenty three little boogers were really digging it.  I put down my tests I was marking and decided to give the ending my full attention.  Their Ooos and Aaahs were just too difficult to ignore for much longer.  The scene where there are hundreds of dragons all flying together over the canyon made my whole class gasp, Ooo one more time, then clap and cheer.  They haven't lost the lore, I pray they never will, and I'm trying my best to do the same right now.

**Notables**
1)  I haven't written in too long and have so much more to tell, but I have been trying write this for a while now.   Happy New Year to all of you.  Love you much and I miss you even more.

2)  Today for "Activity Hour" I gave my kids 3 bottles of ink, a cup of water, and canvas type paper.  I attempted to teach ink painting.  I got a wide variety of responses but one little girl named Nokyung (peacock in Thai) gave me this.

I love it.

False Sense of Control

I have one more day of lessons in term one of my second year and stress is pulling at me yet again.  It's the same story as last year, and simply a constant notion for a teacher, you want all your students to pass their tests with flying colors and everyone dance around a box of donuts with their 100% smiley face marks on the tops of their exams.  The harsh reality is I will hand back some failed tests and feel like an asshole about it.  I know it's an extreme way of thinking but in my mind I am telling a child he/she isn't good enough and that is an awful feeling.  My fellow grade six teacher calmed my nerves over lunch on Friday by pointing out that these same students will get similar marks on their Thai exams.  It was a good reminder that these tests aren't necessarily a reflection of you as a teacher.  You can help guide and point their tiny minds in the right direction but you can only teach root work ethic and motivation to an extent, most of that is the parents' job.

Since I have been back from the wedding and my visit home, life has been busy to say the least, and amazing the say the very least.  My newly wed friends and my brother joined me in my new home.  We toured Bangkok, new islands, and cities and had a great time. They did some traveling up to the North of Thailand while I was busy teaching and it was great to hear their impressions of this place.  Some of which were similar to mine - disorganization being a common theme. However, I think that is one of the many things Thailand has taught me.  Let go a bit.  No, the buses aren't on time.  A trip into Bangkok from Koh Samet took six hours instead of the three you thought it was going to.  Well guess what, there's not a whole lot you can do about that.  Sit back and enjoy the ride.  As long as I've got something to write, read, and listen - I should quit my bitching.

Who knows which came first, the chicken or the egg (Thailand being without schedule, or people being laid back about it), but people here live without as much expectation and it is a shame I need such a constant reminder to adopt this mindset.  Things more often have a way of finding you than the opposite.  Time to throw away my "What will be done today" lists and focus on my "Great times that have been had list."  (I'm teaching future passive and present perfect passive voice and had to sneak that one in there.  Nerdy teachers for the win)

Friends and family have asked me, "How long will you stay?"   "What's your plan when you get back?"  "Do you have a girlfriend out there?"   "Where are you going next?"  Again, this life has a way of showing you instead.  

She tells me, "Josh, you think so much."  - yeah, I know.   "Josh, you think a lot."  yeah, I know!  The end of term I lose some sleep, ok.    "Josh, why do you think so much?"  That was a question for which I had no response.  So I'm trying to do it less.

**Notables**

1) When your student who absolutely adores comics, Marvel, and everything superhero related is chosen to be a superhero in a skit, he then sends you this from their trip saying, "Teacher Josh, we just arrived to the hotel and I am practicing for tomorrow."  Go save the world Taechin!

2) One of our roommates was recently hit by a car while crossing the street right outside our house.  It has been a whirlwind of emotions and events.  We are so happy she is doing ok and every time I visit the hospital and see her smiling it makes me so happy and thankful.  I am also thankful for everyone in my house and how they have all come together as a family.  I am blessed to be surrounded by such an amazing group again this year.  Keep fighting Mare Lee, we love you girl.  And thank you friends.

 

3) One night while walking home by myself on Koh Samet I was surrounded by puppies. All of the asshole dogs in Thailand went away and I played with puppies for God knows how long.  This is the only photo I have that came out legible.